Colors of a Wolf
When your spiritual leader turns out to be a fraud, you are a victim. Even if you were not the direct target of the leader’s abuse, but the betrayal of trust is devastating. You trusted this leader. You invested respect, power and financial support (in some cases, much more than that) and you now realize that you were conned. The feeling is devastating.
Part of what makes this situation so painful is the realization that the abuser used your energy to fuel his crime. The leader built his power base on the foundation of the respect and admiration that he deceived you into giving him. And he used that power to destroy lives and to bring darkness while you gave it to him for the purpose of building and spreading light.
There is a painful question that needs to be asked. Could I have known? Was there any way that I could have seen the colors of corruption through the veneer of holiness? Is there a method of identifying hypocrites so that I can protect myself and others?
I believe that the answer to this question is yes.
Indeed, if the abuser is extremely careful and hides the corruption that is festering in his heart, then it is very difficult to identify the problem. However, most predators do show their true colors. In some cases the veneer of holiness is more persuasive and in others less so, but the inner heart of self-centered iniquity is often on public display.
You just need to learn how to read it.
The following is a list of behaviors that can help us identify abusive leadership. I am sure that this list is not exhaustive or entirely accurate, but I do hope that it serves as a starting point for this discussion.
1 – Me, Me, Me
In the setting of a spiritually abusive leadership there will be an excessive focus on the personality of the leader. The positive qualities of the leader will be thrust into the minds and hearts of the following. This may be done in a subtle way, but it will be done. An outsider will generally find it odd when they encounter the disproportionate amount of attention given to the leader.
2 – Cosmic Mission
The mission of an abusive leader is seldom limited to his local neighborhood. In the mind of the followers, their leader is impacting the world or even the cosmos. And those who oppose the leader are seen as representative of cosmic evil.
3 – No Questions Asked
Abusive leaders do not allow questions that may uncover their flaws. If a follower questions the leader’s word or deed that follower is quickly put in their place. They are told that they did not see what they saw (gas-lighting), they did not understand the leader’s actions and that they the mere fact that they allowed their mind to imagine negativity about the leader is a sign of their spiritual deficiency.
The leader expects his followers to trust him without questioning, to take his word on blind faith.
Once the leader is effectively outside of any critical scrutiny, an environment of one set of rules for the leader and another for everyone else is developed and maintained.
4 – Victimhood
Another tactic used by abusive leaders to deflect criticism is to play victim. Their self-sacrifice for the following or their difficult personal circumstances (real or imagined) are called upon in order to deflect any criticism. The critic is made to feel guilty for not appreciating the hardships of the leader’s life.
A byproduct of this abusive behavior is the creation of two scales of pain. With the leader’s personal life magnified in the hearts of the following, the personal life of others becomes smaller. The pain of the leader is sharp and acute in the minds of the flock while the pain of the individuals in the flock fades into the background.
5 – Heads, I Win; Tails, You Lose
The leader’s success is considered a sign of his or her greatness. Their failure is always the fault of others.
6 – The Hypocrites Across the Street
Abusive leaders often spend time and energy calling out hypocrisy and corruption amongst others. This conveniently lends the leader the spiritual aura of being above hypocrisy and corruption.
7 – Expect Disappointment
The abusive leader has no problem disappointing their following. Promises do not have to be kept and expectations do not have to be met. They are oblivious to the emotional investment that their followers have entrusted to them.
8 – Zero Tolerance
Abusive leaders may be understanding and forgiving when people violate laws in a way that doesn’t detract from their own standing. But there is absolutely no tolerance for violations that affect the leader.
9 – The Elect
When people see through the corruption of the leader and distance themselves from his following, the leader will be satisfied to keep a narrow following of people who are blind to his faults.
10- Pain
Where there is abuse there is pain. The career path of an abusive spiritual leader will leave wounded souls on the road behind him.
These are some of the behaviors of abusive leaders. Not every abuser displays all of these behaviors and these behaviors are often hidden behind a veneer of professed humility and friendliness. Some of these leaders are not as intense in their abuse as others and these behaviors will then not be as obvious. But if you see several of these behaviors in a given leader, your antennas should go up.
A Word to the Leader
You don’t have to be a sexual predator or a financial scammer in order to be an abusive leader. Even if you are clean from those sins, you may still be abusing the power your following has invested in you. In fact, there is no question in my mind that you are abusing that power, the question is only to what degree.
These may sound like harsh words, but they are directed first and foremost to me. I am a leader and I know that I am not perfect. God alone is perfectly righteous and all of His creations fall short of perfection. In the context of the human experience, righteousness in any given aspect of our personality is never a final destination. It can only be a journey.
According to the prophets of the Hebrew Bible, justice is the foundation of spirituality (Micha 6:8; Jeremiah 22:16). And justice begins at home.
If you are a spiritual leader you have power in your hands. The respect that your position commands, private information that is entrusted to you, the expectation of true guidance that your followers hope to receive from you and so much more. The principle of justice demands that you never lose sight of the fact that these powers do not belong to you, but rather, they belong to the people who invested you with them.
I have a few suggestions to make that will perhaps help you in your journey towards justice, because, again, it will always remain a journey. Never tell yourself that you have reached the destination of being perfectly just.
1 – Its Not About You
If you need to be told not to lift yourself up in the minds and hearts of your followers, then I am wasting my words. I will however tell you that even if you find your followers lifting you up in their own minds, try to minimize the damage. Try to keep your own personality out of the hearts of your followers and have them focus on more spiritual matters.
Find ways to empower your congregants so that they see their own spiritual strengths. Your goal should be that as time moves on they should be less dependant on you, and certainly not more dependant on you.
2 – Your Mission is the Wellbeing of the Men and Women Sitting in Front of You
Your mission doesn’t have to be cosmic in order to be important in God’s eyes. The heart of every individual human being is precious to God and bringing light to one human being is a glorious enough mission for any of God’s creations.
And by the way, not everyone who thinks differently than you is an agent of Satan. God created us to think differently from one another because His truth is never in the hands of one person alone. God’s truth is like a symphony that shines forth from the hearts of many.
This does not mean that you need to tolerate error and falsehood. It is your duty to call them out when you see them, but do so with humility, with the recognition that you are not fully in line with the truth yourself. Because truth, like justice, is never a final destination for man, it is always only a journey.
3 – The Path to the God of Truth Leads Through the Road of Honest Questions
The God of Truth encourages questions and if you see yourself as a representative of that God, you should find yourself doing the same. Why should someone trust you on blind faith? Why should someone see you as beyond reproach?
If you want your followers to grow in a spiritual sense, set an example for them in the realm of growing from criticism. Validate honest questions because the God who loves truth validates them as well.
This does not mean that you have to give free reign for disrespect, contentiousness, and open rebellion. But it does mean that you should generate an atmosphere that encourages and validates respectful questions even if they are uncomfortable to you.
4 – The Hardships of Your Own Life Are Not Part of Your Follower’s Spiritual Journey
As a general rule, your followers will not benefit from hearing about your victimhood. If you need to hold up an example of self-sacrifice and perseverance through hardships, find someone else’s life to point to.
Furthermore, the more space your victimhood occupies in your own heart, the less room there is for the pain of those under your care. And you should be doing everything in your power to maximize your sensitivity to the burden borne by your followers because that sensitivity is the very essence of a true shepherd.
5 – Share the Success and Carry the Blame
If God blesses you with success find ways of sharing the credit. And if things don’t work out, use the opportunity to set an example. Show your followers how to utilize such an opportunity for introspection, correction and growth.
6 – We are all Hypocrites
If you find the need to call out evil in someone else, and sometimes that is the spiritual calling of the moment, please do it in a spirit of humility. It should never be something that you or your followers enjoy and it should not be the top item on your agenda. One of the wise Jewish teachers (Ba’al Shem Tov) taught that every failing that we see in someone else is a mirror of our own fault at least to some minimal degree. The following two verses from Scripture should never be far from your heart: “My sin is before me constantly” (Psalm 51:5); and “Who can say that I have purified my heart, I am cleansed from my sin?” (Proverbs 20:9).
7 – Keep Your Word
Your followers look up to you. They expect your word to carry more weight than the word of the average man. And if they joined your congregation, they have certain expectations from you.
It is your responsibility to try your fighting best to meet those expectations. You are human and you will never do a perfect job (- it is always a journey…). But never lose sight of the fact that it is your responsibility to try to meet those expectations. Your followers put power in your hands, and it will always belong to them, not to you.
8 – Justice and Charity
It is not easy to find the balance between justice and charity. But as a general rule, when you are adversely affected, the theme should be charity. Justice should be reserved for those situations where your personal benefit is not a part of the picture.
9 – The Outsider
Never lose sight of the fact that the outsider often has a better perspective of reality than the insider. If you block out the voices of those who don’t see things as you do, you will crash and fall. No human being sees everything. God put those other people in your world to help you see what you would otherwise be blind to.
10 – Ease the Burden
No one’s pain should be small in your eyes. If you ever cause pain, try to fix it. The Biblical apology consists of two lines; you were right and I was wrong (Genesis 38:26). No ifs ands or buts. And if you caused pain, ask yourself what you can do so as not to make the same mistake again.
You should put the physical and emotional wellbeing of those around you as the goal of your mission. You are here to lift them up and empower them. Your word should make their hearts lighter and your message should build and validate.
What Can I Do?
In conclusion I will just repeat what I wrote in the beginning. I am not putting forth my words as authoritative teaching (although that may be the tone). Please read my words as suggestions. I do pray that this article will facilitate the discussion surrounding this important topic and help clarify and concretize some of the concepts that are central to the dynamic of Spiritual abuse.
There are so many variants to each situation that I cannot imagine that there is a “one size fits all” solution to the problem, or that there is even a generic way of identifying and calling out the problem.
However, we can all benefit from raising awareness about the existence of the problem. Let us develop language and words that can help us wrap our minds around the issue. And let the conversation move forward. The amount and the weight of the scandals that have recently come to light have generated much conversation about the topic of abusive leadership.
Let the conversation continue. Because as we learn to separate justice from injustice and the shepherds from the wolves we move closer to the God who dwells with the downtrodden and the lowly of spirit (Isaiah 57:15).
 | ReplyForwardAdd reaction |
1000 Verses - a project of Judaism Resources 
It really helps to know that abusive leadership doesn’t fit a polarised stereotype of deliberate manipulation and zero empathy.
Some leaders have empathy (cognitive, emotional, or both) at times when they aren’t overwhelmed, and yet significant lapses of empathy when they feel threatened or when someone seems less relevant to them. Sometimes they may be honest in a sincere way, while at other times their honesty may be to deflect criticism or gain sympathy. And sometimes expressions of narcissism can also be ‘communal’, seeming sincere and generous. Especially when this is mixed in with actual elements of sincerity too, it can be harder to recognise.
It can be because of attachment traumas and exposure to hierarchy-based abuse during development. It can also be a response to difficulty with processing emotional dysregulation, perceived abandonment, identity, codependence communication of boundaries, empathy, and/or social cues. It can be a belief that others don’t matter, or it can just be a reaction during times of stress. So these are another reason not to focus on blame, but I definitely agree with not being part of someone’s small, loyal circle if defenders, or defending one victimised leader more than we would defend other people.
Everyone has some of these ‘red flags’, but in a practical sense, it helps to consider whether boundaries can be respected enough for us to feel ok in a situation, especially in terms of how consistent the cycles are.
Those cycles can include things we may not clearly know are being caused by the person, such as intermittent criticism or ignoring. If it gets too confusing, it’s better to rely less on the relationship, rather than trying harder to figure out the communication. Even if they have promised or indicated their support, mentorship or close friendship.
Re. the advice for leaders, this can only help as much as someone is wanting to grow in empathy.
The really difficult thing also is that things can be turned back to front. Even the most accurate information about signs of abuse can seem to be flipped around. Or there can be complex dynamics between people. For example, a leader may think their follower is putting them on a pedestal when the leader has actually modelled and reinforced that, and perhaps even chosen followers who are insecure or easily hyperfixated.
They may feel they are focusing on the needs of the person in front of them, yet that can be selective and exclude people. They may believe they are setting an example in humility, but that may be actually an aspect of damage control, or in seeming like a leader strong enough to weather criticism.
They may think they don’t aim for cosmic significance, yet they may still aim to seem unique and have a large amount of their followers’ attention. They may in some ways respect someone’s boundaries, while in other ways do everything to make sure that person stays loyal.
A few other things that can help us be more healthy in relationships/leadership include learning about secure attachment and nervous system regulation, both of which are more helpful approaches to behaviour than willpower or reinforcement are. Learning to know and respectfully communicate needs and boundaries during times of distress, and to make space to see the nuances of our own emotions and those of others, can also help.
Also, there are times when it’s more possible to grow in secure identity without being in a situation of leadership, teaching, writing, etc. In these roles there’s a high experience of having ideas and actions scrutinised, which can make it harder to learn to be ok with people not understanding or agreeing with us.
While on the one hand we can keep doing good even while still working on our motivations and capacity, on the other hand, it’s also helpful not to see leadership as a default or necessary thing to always be involved in for identity’s sake. If it is, and if that’s feeling chaotic, then it could be a time in which to contribute in less visible ways and have space to heal.
Or at least, even when in times of leadership, make time and space to remember the separation between the way we want our message/goals to be seen, and the way we want our reputation to be seen. And that even when we answer to others in terms of work, we don’t answer to anyone as if they define who we are; it can help to stay aware of the distress levels around things like being misunderstood, or feeling uncertain about future social acceptance.
Another thing, similar to the idea of helping people become less dependent over time, is to have a mentality of everyone being a leader. Everyone has things they can teach others, and that isn’t in a hierarchical sense.
Understanding enmeshment can also be part of developing healthy relationships, in leadership and otherwise.
It’s possible to have healthy relationships where there’s a close emotional connection. But when someone loses themselves in someone else’s emotions and identity, or when the importance of loyalty/intimacy is put above the importance of emotional/practical boundaries and the possibility to have space from each other, then that’s an unhealthy overlapping of selves.
If we can’t feel ok until broken communication is resolved. If we are consumed with an emotion that is someone else’s, or by the way they feel they’ve been misunderstood or poorly treated. If there’s high anger or silent treatment when we disagree or make a boundary, or sometimes at least, and the relationship can only continue with a level of compliance. These are signs we need to individuate more, even while continuing to care. And if we feel we can’t step back from the relationship in any way because they need our support, then that’s codependent and it doesn’t let either person grow.
And something else to consciously avoid is using flattery or ‘deep and meaningful’ emotional understanding to get people to be closer or more affirming.
Annelise
Thank you for deep and insightful comments. The purpose of this article is not to provide a definitive diagnosis. My intention is to give language and generate conversation and your words definitely bring the conversation forward.
I will point out that a sly wolf can read our conversation and use our words to educate him/herself as to how to camouflage their narcissism. (This could be done consciously or subconsciously.) But still and all, the public benefits from learning the dynamics and the patterns of these behaviors.
Thanks again.
I think so too. Every description of abuse can be used to hide it more subtly or even to weaponise the concepts against someone. Yet the more we know about these possibilities, the more we can sense when something isn’t right and try to begin to understand the dynamics. We’re socialised to be caring, devoted, humble, looking for the good, yet we also need boundaries and emotional safety.
Another thing about the ‘Me, me, me’ point. I agree that this kind of emphasis on one’s own stories and attributes is a red flag. Although it isn’t always clear, because sometimes teachers tell personal stories without an over-arching self-emphasis, or at least not such a strong one. And sometimes people organise hierarchies (or display generosity) by seemingly praising and uplifting others than themselves.
There’s also a separate topic that is sometimes described as ‘Me, me, me,’ which is the self-help/self-love type of movement. Rather than characterising this as something to try and be opposite to, I think this kind of absorption with self should be seen as an overreach of a healthy level of self care. We can’t encourage people to go the other way of neglecting self, either. Sometimes an over-emphasis on being selfless (as opposed to unselfish) can make people emotionally dependent, submissively over-compliant, and/or less sensitive to ways of helping their own sensory/emotional dysregulation. So we need to balance self care with community care, and value both without worrying that it’s proud to do so.
This isn’t exactly what was addressed with the ‘Me, me, me’ point, but just mentioning it as the same words are used sometimes to discourage considering our own needs much at all. The only way to be able to give is to be adequately ok ourselves, too.
Just as we hope other people know that they are worthy of self care, so are the parts of ourselves that need self-parenting, self-leadership. By adequately (not excessively) focusing on what helps us to be sustainably well, we can be less vulnerable to seeking so much support in unhealthy attachments.
Supporting each other with interdependence can be a beautiful thing. Still, it’s best when we can also believe we can (and are allowed to) stand on our own feet, as we also hold each other up. Gentleness and humility are not the same as self-negation in the face of other people.
For people who tend towards seeking integrity and sometimes being overconscientious, it’s also important not to get excessively caught up in trying to deal with unhealthy traits in ourselves. It’s good to try to recognise and work on lapses of empathy or boundaries, but it doesn’t need to be totally overwhelming.
Whether it’s a fear of hurting others, a desire to grow past our traumas, wanting to feel happily part of society, or a combination of these, hearing about ‘red flags’ can bring about introspection.
Especially if we like to see ourselves as helpers. Having an identity of healing others and not hurting anyone can be part of empathy, though it can also cross over into a reputation focus or attempt to gain people’s loyalty. (Again, this is something to be aware of, but more to have at back of mind most of the time.)
Introspection can be healthy if it involves patience with ourselves, acceptance that people won’t always think well of us, and a focus to keep doing what we think is important regardless of the imperfect motivations that are a work in progress.
If it leads to being very distracted or isolated, then maybe challenge that level of conscientiousness as perfectionism. Remember to balance in other things to focus on most of the time. Basic mindfulness practice (like noticing breath or other senses for a few moments or minutes) can also help with acceptance, and moving beyond rumination.
We are all in these waves of generational and social dynamics that none of us originated, they existed in our predecessors long before us, but we can all find ways of kindness and safety within them. No one can do that perfectly, but we can become safer for each other, and closer to truly believing in equality, in time.
I agree with a great deal of this, it’s well written.
Not sure, if my other comment posted.
3 uusual characters of a wolf:
*Small feet, slips on principle easily, esp. in private.
*Loose skin, (wolf in sheep’s clothing), chameleon-like in convictions.
*Two tongues.
Charles
I can’t believe that I find myself agreeing with you – but yes – I do agree with your comment, those indeed are common characteristics of an abusive leader.
Thank you for sharing your insight
It’s interesting to see how much people have in common sometimes with ideas or values, even when on some topics there is so much difference in opinion. Sometimes we even seem to believe polar opposite ideas yet behind that we have very similar reasons.
Wow, very accurate!
I used to attend the Roman religion Christianity at a big church in MD (10 ya), I saw and experienced many of those colors described above, as well the contradictions and the doubts the that the NT and their father’s theology carries. I normally read both Hebrew and Greek bibles, although I was taught to read backwards; NT first and then jump to the Tanakh to prove the text given in the NT footnotes. I read also the Systematic Theology of Wayne Grudem (two languages) alongside other renowned theologians books. I had a lot questions that needed answer about the Rome Bible’s doctrine and covenant, NT’s characters and the church’s Statement of Faith. Many questions were never answered and some that were answered didn’t sound accurate, convincing or concise. Out of “respect” I didn’t want to contradict and sound rude by questioning my teacher’s abstract interpretations and believes. The interpretations to me were heavily vague that raised more questions in my brain than to clear them, and often made me feel less wise, smart, little and insignificant, not counting the times when I was discriminated. One remarkable time by the senior pastor who quoted to me “Jesus dismissing the Canaanite woman as dog”, and couple other pastors that avoided me (the church had nine pastors) one of them a Jew Christian who looked at people partially. Yes, discriminated to the point that I was not allowed to become a member, maybe for being a Christian foreigner? For being a single mom? For raising questions not being a scholar?. Who knows; but they were okay with my faithful TITHING. And graciously at the same time I was being admired by others mainly ladies and families for the way I lived raising my only daughter alone and setting a godly example for her and other single moms. The pastors couldn’t or didn’t want to grasp that I was searching for the G-d of the Tanakh, the G-d of the Israelites who Spoke Hebrew not Greek. I was dismissed, avoided (lol) many times because of my insistence with the OT questions. My friends still say that I am too much G-d. After 10 long years of doubting and being told that I did not have the HS, that I had to stop doubting G-d, that as woman I should be submissive to the Spirit, that I was saddening the HS and being stubborn. I decided to try other two small churches in Potomac and Bethesda, in one of them the married pastor tried to seduce me when I needed help with my broken car. To resume, I stopped attending Churches five years ago and decided to study Biblical Hebrew online from Israel; an old friend told me that she was not a Christian anymore but that she was Messianic (?) in messianic Hebrew roots movement. I thought that it was a great idea to explore since I was learning Biblical Hebrew, but, it was even more confused to me than before because I had the same or more QUESTIONS from when I was a Christian. HOW CAN G-D BE HUMAN? And JC G-D? Why do the Messianic movement celebrate Sabbath and festivals with JC in it? They expelled me twice (zoom meetings) from those two different Messianic groups because of my doubting and insidious questions that disrupted the harmony and brotherhood of the community. I couldn’t believe and still I can’t comprehend why or how they can’t separate the two and see that there is no harmony or correlation between the TWO Bibles written in TWO different languages with TWO different covenants when there is only ONE and ONE G-D. I had a friend whose husband is Jew and she hated her in laws and tried so hard for 30 years to convert her husband to Christianity until he gave up (I hope not). He was forced to go the big church with her. When she knew three years ago that I left the god of Esau-Edom for the G-d of Jacob-Israel she stopped texting me and cut me off. Sadly her only daughter married a Muslim and had three kids. Now I am on my own, studying through Chabad, gathering with Jewish ladies, learning from the great sages and rabbis, holding tight to the Torah and hoping with all my heart to be one day like Ruth the Moabite.
Sandy
Your dedication to truth is an inspiration!