A Memo from the Church in the Year 1984
Brothers of the Ministry of Information, our Big Brother is concerned about the ongoing negative reaction of the Jewish community to the News. It is imperative that we give them the New History, so that they will no longer offer resistance to our policies. Please follow the guidelines outlined here, which will bring them into the fold.
Many of you have been emphasizing love in your broadcasts. You are to be commended. The Love of Big Brother envelops us all. However, this is not enough! As the Ministry of Information, we must inform the Jew that never has there been anything but love between our people and theirs. New History will show that the wars of the past, what they call “massacres,” were waged only against our common enemy. We have never hated the Jew!
Our enemies, to drive a wedge between us, have found old pirated footage of Big Brother. These speeches of his seem to indicate a deep pathological antipathy to the Jew. You should know, Brothers, that these words have all been carefully cut by our enemies to deceive the Jews and confuse them. As members of the Ministry, it is your job to properly contextualize his speeches. It should be obvious that when he called them the “children of Satan” he did not mean all of them, only those that were children of Satan. Unfortunately, the Jews lack discernment, so we must inform them what a child could perceive.
The same can be said of any other of his speeches that turn up. Those of you who work in the archives will know that not all of his speeches emphasized love. He was known to call members of the now-defunct Jewish leadership “vipers”. One of the early Ministry members referred to their worship centers as “synagogues of Satan”. These hard words are of course the true essence of love, but some of the Jews have been avoiding the Ministry of Information, and they have not gotten their minds quite right.
Deflect such concerns by illustrating Jewish guilt. Show them our archival footage of Jews trying to entrap Big Brother. Show them the maddened crowds, foaming at the mouth, crying out for his execution. Show how they bribed one of the Ministry of the Treasury to betray Big Brother. They will understand why Big Brother called them vipers and such. Surely they will be assuaged when they see they are the source of his hard words.
Your broadcasts must emphasize the eternal love of Big Brother for the Jew, and of course all of those within our organization. It has never been anything but love. If footage comes up wherein he calls the Jews “children of the devil” with murder in their heart like their father, you must emphasize his Jewishness. Once they see that he is Jewish, they will understand that he was not talking about all Jews, only the murderous ones.
To aid you in this endeavor, we have Gumped the footage. Do not let any unfamiliar scenes confuse you. The yiddishisms dubbed in and the changing of Jesus’ name do not alter the meaning. Soon, you will come to see that the New Footage is what the Footage always was. All footage is New Footage.
Digital technology has helped us greatly in this project. We have been able to highlight the yarmulke on his head that was always there, but was invisible to the eye because of the poor quality of the old film. Do not be surprised to find Big Brother eating a bagel in scenes you do not recall him noshing in previously. Big Brother is Jewish; of course he ate bagels! He also said, “Oy!” more than you may recall. This is nothing more than your mind focusing on details that it once missed. Because you are emphasizing the message to the Jew, you are more aware of his Jewishness than you were previously. Do not be alarmed.
Do not be alarmed when you hear his new name, either. It is not new. We have only cleared up the audio on the footage. Still, among yourselves, feel free to use either name. When presenting New History to the Jew, however, only use his original name, the one found in the cleaned up footage.
Likewise, emphasize his status as a rabbi. Some may have a false memory of rabbis being abused by the Ministry of Truth. This false memory is a lie spread by the enemy. Big Brother was a rabbi, and so none of us in the Government could ever have touched them. We have only loved them eternally, as Big Brother does. However, avoid questions regarding his ordination (they may use the word ‘semicha’). Emphasize rather his deep devotion to their archives.
You may point out that he is mentioned in their archives. In fact, their whole history and legal structure is about him. But do not spend too much time on this. Early members of the Ministry of Information already showed them footage of their Prophets, giving speeches that clearly referred to Big Brother. These snippets were unable to reach their hard hearts. They will only be softened by New History and the eternal love of Big Brother. Some of them have kept footage of their archives and may refer back to their own copies. Emphasize the superior of our digital footage, which has cleaned up their old film copies, restoring dialogue previously too garbled to hear. If they do not find the original garbled, move on.
Some will question Big Brother’s Jewishness, not so much his genetic code, but the idea of Big Brother in general. They will point to foreign gods having children, demigods who walked among men. Such an idea they will find repugnant to Judaism. Refer back to the archival footage to illustrate just how Jewish the idea of Big Brother is. Possible comparisons: he was like the ark that saved the whole world. You can point out he had a hole in his side, like the ark did. He was like the Pesach lamb. (Pesach is their word for “Passover.” If you cannot remember the word, do not worry. In a generation or two, they will forget their ancient terminology.) It may be a good idea to illustrate his lambness, by parading a seared lamb on a vertical skewer. He can also be compared to the Day of Atonement sacrifice (try not to say “goat”) that also takes away the sin of the world.
All the while, remind them that he was not only a Jew as an idea, but genetically. This will smooth over any objections, until their minds accept the New Truth. Study “Fiddler on the Roof” so that you can understand their language and culture as he did. Point out that his first disciples were fishermen. They may be surprised to know that he created the first gefilte fish recipe. As you all know, Big Brother also had a great sense of humor, just like Jerry Seinfeld. How much more Jewish could he be?
As the Jew learns the New History, he will forget about the intervening years as portrayed by the enemy. The enemy has blamed us for the oppression of the Jews. As we know, that could not be farther from the truth. Those in the Government who used archival footage of Big Brother to support their hatred had nothing to do with us. And we never liked them anyway.
Do not be concerned if this leaves what some historians are calling a “historical vacuum”. We are not to worry if our History begins at Big Brother, runs for forty years, is interrupted for 2,000 and picks up again forty years ago. Those intervening 2,000 years are irrelevant. Historians will fill in the details when Big Brother finds it necessary. For now, avoid the issue of those 2,000 years. Appeal to the eternal love of Big Brother and the Government today.
Above all, speak to them like they are children. The Jew is slow to understand. This must surely be a genetic mental disorder. Impatience will drive them away. We must talk down to them to lift them up. Soon, this issue will no longer exist. Once the Jew views our cleaned up footage, he will unite with us. In thirty years, the Jews will have forgotten they were Jewish at all, just as happened to all the Jews before them that joined our most worthy enterprise.
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Yisroel C. Blumenthal